Last night I made a promise to myself. It was a huge promise that left me a little nervous.
I had a terrible day at work yesterday. I pissed everyone off and they pissed on me. My stomach was in knots. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I just couldn’t handle the stress for one more minute. I’ve worked this job for almost 20 years and I think I’m coming to the end of being able to do it. I don’t mean the writing is difficult, because it’s not. It’s all the other stuff that comes with being in charge of something the public thinks they can bash around. It’s the constant need to please, but never, ever hitting the nail on the head.
I can’t do it. I don’t cry often, but I shed some tears last night. I really felt the entire world was crashing around me. I have never felt this awful in all the years I’ve worked as a journalist, but I did last night and it was a big wake up call for me. What was this doing to my health and the health of my children?
This is when the world came into better focus for me. I can’t imagine living a life where I don’t get to write. It’s like a sickness and I just keep catching it. I’ve decided that writing is what I should’ve been doing my whole adult life. I know it’s a little late to think of this, just now when I’m in my 40s, but I don’t care and people can be naysayers all they want.
So I’m making myself a promise. I’m going to dream like I’ve never dreamed before. In two years, I won’t be working this job anymore because I’ve decided by December 2017, I will be able to walk away and live my life the way I want to and without someone always telling me what to do. My kids will all be in school by then, leaving my days to be spent pounding away on my next work in progress, whatever that may be.
Is it scary? Yeah! It’s the scariest thing I have ever thought about doing. I’ve always been a productive member of society, working since I was a senior in high school, but I want to take that leap. I want to dedicate myself to writing as a career, not just as a hobby I do on the weekends and at night. I think making the commitment will make me work harder and hone my craft even further. I still have a whole novel that needs to be polished and rewritten. I think it has amazing potential. I want to help it find where it belongs, on the shelves of book lovers everywhere. It’s the reason I think I can do this.
So until next time, dream like you’ve never dreamed before and find a way to live it.