In the landscape of being a writer, there are so many ways to compare yourself to others. All you have to do is go to the library and find all those books with people who knew how to do it. It starts to make you feel small and insignificant. It makes me jealous of every single word they have written.
My writing has always felt so juvenile. It’s like I woke up a 14 year old girl and just started writing a novel. I know it’s not really the case, but in my mind, that is how I feel. The words don’t sound as awesome as those writers who have their musty pages lining a shelf in my library. I’m just not a writer, the voice inside me says.
Okay, I’m sure you all say these things to yourself too, but I think this is the reason I’m completely disgusted with my novel right now. It’s too juvenile, the words aren’t good, I’m not a good writer…..on and on these things play in my mind causing me to freeze and abandon any hope of editing more. I’m stuck in my tracks, not wanting to do more because I feel it will be futile. I feel I can’t save this novel from me, it’s writer.
Other people, who actually have read the novel as I’ve rewritten, say differently. They feel compelled to read more and learn more about my characters. Still I stand shyly in the corner feeling like some teenager who is “playing.”
If I want to make progress and grow as a writer, this has to stop. I have to stop comparing myself to every book, blog, excerpt that I read. My style is just that, my style. My voice belongs to no one else and I have to be the one to own it. I have to stop being a jealous girlfriend of other writers and get my head out of my backside before it’s too late.
What if I wait too long and someone writes the novel I’ve already written, publishes it and it becomes popular? Then I will look like a fool. I will have had the chance to be that groundbreaking person and I didn’t take it. I didn’t step onto the ledge and jump with both feet, I merely clung to fence 20 feet away with tears running down my cheeks.
I don’t want to be that person, but I admit I’m scared. I’m scared about what it all means and what if I don’t really write a novel that goes anywhere? Failure is always an option, but I don’t like to be bad at things. I like to be good at things and always try to accomplish my goals. I move heaven and earth just to make things happen, but this time it’s out of my control. It’s subjective and it might not be the right time.
All these things go over and over in my head. I want them to stop. Today, I’m willing them to stop. This story is amazing. The characters are good, although flawed. This is my life’s highest achievement. I will not let jealousy and self-loathing turn my novel into something terrible. I will make it the best and I will accomplish this goal.
I’m already a writer, but I will be a published writer.
Until next time remember, The Community is watching!